Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

and I wanna believe you when you tell em that it'll be okay,
yeah I try to believe you but I don't.
when you say that it's gonna be, it turns out to be a different way.

Friday, 9 December 2011

"The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible"

Sunday, 4 December 2011

the sky is fascinating outside,
I love how the stars sparkle, I wish I could live in a place where there's no light pollution!

Thursday, 1 December 2011

I've been reading about the meaning of Coldplay's song "every teardrop is a waterfall" and I've a very beautiful analysis.
Quoting from the guy who wrote it:

"this song is about living life. All the things we go through good or bad (sirens) are all part of what it means to be human. It is up to us how we look at it. We should appreciate the good and bad things that happens to us and accept that it is these up and downs that make life beautiful. Don't dwell on your mistakes just embrace how you feel and accept that it is real. We are all flawed and imperfect but that is what makes us each a work of art that will never be replicated. "Be a comma, and not a full stop". Keep living and know that we go through what we go through, and we become better for it."

Sunday, 20 November 2011

but it'll all get better in time ..
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to ..

Sunday, 30 October 2011

it feels good, to finally see the people you always thought they weren't there, I've always thought I was alone, I never was.. it's just I never wanted to see what was around me, now I can.. because I want to..
I'm no longer scared.. I feel safe, even when there's a fair chance of me getting hurt, I don't mind, actually, it might give more meaning to my life.
if it's not the saddest most painful moments that made my life worthwhile, then I don't know what did!

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Life can be absolutely phenomenal, and it should be, and it will be!

Thursday, 20 October 2011

why am I feeling happy!!!
what's up with all the Ecstasy this morning.. 
don't know don't care .. I love this feeling .. I miss it :')

Monday, 10 October 2011

"It was waiting for me. Your past is always your past.
Even if you forget it, it remembers you."

Saturday, 8 October 2011

I've never needed to explain myself to anyone, I just did or said whatever I felt right and never worried about how others see me or think of me.
what has changed today, why did I feel this urge to explain everything to him? 
why does it matter to me if he think wrong or if he judges me?
today, it was a whole new territory to me. 
I so into surprises, but not the ones where I am the "surpriser"!

Friday, 7 October 2011

I really wish I could give all my secrets away, it would be really easier for me to deal with everything around me!

how can I explain to others why I do or do not want to do a certain thing!
it's just really funny and weird to them, but to me, anything but funny.. it's actually painful to be in this place, where I can't explain myself , If ell I'm back to square one, freaking ridiculous.

whatever ..

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

I can't believe I lost track of time,
it's only my second birthday, not the third..
after all, one is more than enough..
my third birthday since the incident.
two and a half years since I died.
30 months since it all began crashing down.
what to expect now from this day on, I cannot tell.
what's gone is gone, nothing comes back.. we just learn to live without the missing pieces of us.
that's what I'm trying real hard to do for the past two years.
let's just hope good for tomorrow and the days after..

Thursday, 22 September 2011

dear diary,

they left me alone, my own blood and flesh left me alone, the biggest fear of my life is to be left alone, both meanings!
be my companion for this lonely evening.

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

my song is on the radio :)

Saturday, 17 September 2011

thinking about the times I said yes while I supposed to say no,
that little two letters word could have changed my world now, I could have said no to that person that day, and then not be in the place I am today, after 6 years.
sometimes life seems so ironic. playing games on us and not telling what to do and what not to, but eventually it reveals that the stupidest thing that you did or did not a long time ago could have been the answer to all your misfortune today!

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

this was, by far, the most intense, though successful, conversation I had with my parents for years!
what a relieve, a huge burden has been removed off my back.. no more secrets and no more lies.
hope is my new best friend.
so "start up" here we go ;)

Sunday, 4 September 2011

"I wish you would leave the house and go back to your dorms, I don't want you around here anymore"

she hates me, she broke all the hopes I built in these past five months, she devastated me with a few words.
I'm such an imposter, how come "Ladies Never Lose Composure..!!" while this particular lady loses not only her composure but also all her hopes in a moment.

now I'm the one who doean't want ot be here anymore, I wanna escape somewhere I can't find myslef in.

Monday, 29 August 2011

it's the second Eid, it doesn't feel the same, something is missing, and I'm missing that something.
but I don't want it back, for better things aer waiting for me!

Friday, 26 August 2011

They do not know anything, they do not understand..
right now, right here in this place full of people, I stand alone.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

That is not difficult... it's unbearable. I do not wish him well.
I'm not in pain, I'm not sad, I'm not defeated..
I'm just really really angry and wanna cry, I really wanna break something, and I rather it be his neck that any of my mother#s precious dishes.
I thought I removed all the hate and became good again, in peace with myself and whatever faith has brought to me, I was wrong.. I hate my misjudging at all things around me.
sitting here very "composed", crying quietly is the best answer right now, for I do not want to lose it after all this time.
fear is haunting me again, and it's bringing along all the horrible memories of the dark days, the days of the other me that wasn't alive, every corner in my life, every person I know, every place I visit , now they all suddenly remind me of the beast. even my dear mirror, that says to me every time I look at is "you're not fully dressed unless you wear a smile" now it's innocent from the crime of giving away smiles and traded its job for a dark one that makes me see the ghosts of the past in my own face......

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

"Walk as if you are kissing the earth with your feet"

Friday, 12 August 2011

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

"So I know that every experience is stretching me deep inside, I am growing. I am starting to let go of the pain that has held me back. I am starting to realise that I have control over the way I see things. I have control over the way I feel things.

I have control, not only control in these fragile hands but control with my soul, my life, my pain, and my joy. My heart is beating and it is keeping me accountable, reminding me that I am but flesh and bones but these bones are only the cage around my longing soul. "

By Janey Lu, for she can write her soul on paper and I cannnot!
Nostalgic at 00:31..

Friday, 5 August 2011

note to self: "everything is going to be fine, you are going to be fine. just don't give up on yourself, no matter what!"

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

did you ever have this one particular song when you hear you feel it tells exactly how you feel, it's like the words are inspired by your own soul, by your own frustration.
absorbing the words makes you believe that there is someone, or perhaps I mean something, out there that understands you, not that it can help you with anything, it just feels nice to hear someone else talking the words you fear to say, it's comforting to hear the pain that is inside you composed with beautiful words and heart wrenching melodies.
this particular song you want to play over and over again, hell make it even the soundtrack of your life, for you can't explain what you're feeling but this band is helping you get it all out, you wanna scream the lyrics so loud for the whole world to understand the things you cannot explain.
it might even be a very happy song but carries out all the pain from inside of you, haven't you ever cried so hard when listening to a very cheerful song?
I know I have!

cold and lost in desperation

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

a heart warming phone call :)

Sunday, 31 July 2011

it sucks to be me right now.
this is exactly the reason why I keep my distance from people, I can never know what they think of me or of whatever I do or say,  even though I hold my heart on my sleeve they still do not understand what I clearly say.
people are scary, it's not safe to be around them all the time, I really do not need any more drama in my life I've had my share and it was a handful, so please just a little peace of mind would be perfect for me right now.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

You fooled me. I was falling for this mirage, this image of yourself that you were portraying. That youknew I was falling for. But you never did anything to stop me from falling nor did you make any effort to catch me. And so I fell. And come to find out, it was all just a bunch of smoke and mirrors.

Some people just take the words out of mouth, the words I'll never dare to say out loud!
this one by my Flickr friend Makayla Rogers.

Monday, 25 July 2011

what the hell is happening to my dreams!!!

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Friday, 22 July 2011

now I remember, I was dying, I was saying goodbye to everyone, I was walking towards death with my own feet, and I was smiling about it.
it felt so real that I woke up crying, suddenly all the important people flashed in front of my eyes, the tears when I woke up were real, first time in my life I feel so close to the end, that I need to ask for forgiveness from everyone, to tell everyone I love that I will never forget them wherever I'm going, and that one person that I've always said I'll never forgive, I suddenly was letting him go with no hard feeling, for I was leaving this world to another one where I'm alone with no loved ones.
it was so vivid it's terrifying.
I wonder if it's a sign for something!

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Time and moments and life and death. They all reach out their hands. To hold us, to shake us, to tear us apart, to feed on us, to pull us to their lips and breathe us to life, to touch us soo deeply that they can make our lives theirs. And through this, with bloody hands and shaky fingertips. We survive. We last and live, phantoms of the lost time. Ghosts of those which we were so often denied. And we are braver now, braver and able to make it on our own. With wisdom forming as beads upon your brow. With strength ripping apart your muscles and taking your breath, you are growing still. And if tomorrow you are without. Know that I am here, I am with you. Imperfect, but present. Through life, to death, here in your reach. Here in your hands.
written by my favorite writer so far.
my Flickr friend Janey Lu  !

Transformers 3

Amazing !!
breathtaking, absolutely a piece of art ..

Thursday, 14 July 2011

the moon ifsfull tonight, very bright and very full of everything, I remember the days when I used to stare at the moon for hours and see only one face in the bright white color of the circle, then I would send a text and maybe call and say :"the moon is fascinating tonight, it's taking my breath away, it remind me of you"
now it's all different, I don't remember anyone when I look at the moon, it used to be a very difficult time for me when it remind me of that someone but now when I look at the moon I see some other type of beauty, a type that I neglected before, now I can see that the moon is more than just a beautiful light in the night sky, it's much more than just a rock, it's my long lost friend, the one I talk to in the lonely nights, the one who smiles for me in the happy ones, the most beautiful sparkle in my life.
I wonder why I have not been seeing this before, I've been distracted by something unworthy, now I know I understand things differently, I see more clearly, I'm not young and stupid anymore, I've grown. just like when the hard rain helps a flower bloom, it hits it just to help it become more beautiful and more blooming.
I wonder what my life would be like if tonight I called that person and told him to look how beautiful the moon is tonight, what would have happened if he was still in my heart and my life and my moon?
I guess I'll never know, and that is the beauty of this unpredictable world we live in , but I'm glad my life turned out like this eventually, no regrets, no sorrows, not anymore!

Monday, 4 July 2011

I'm worried, scared of something I don't know, I feel something bad is happening or about to ..
she's not answering her phone, I have not talked to her in three days .. what the hell is going on !!

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

to be continued ..

Friday, 1 July 2011

Lord, Make Me a Rainbow ..

Intense day!
been thinking about all the great things I'm living right now, the great family I have, all the pleasures I enjoy while others can't, like seeing,  talking and walking.
I should be more grateful, I should thank my creator more often, I really don't deserve all the good things that happen to me, I have also thought that I don't deserve the bad things either, but now I think differently, I should be a better person then I'll have the right to think this way.
I wanna live a rich life full of giving, forgiveness, peace and love, love for everything around me, I wanna have the life that I will not feel sorry for when I leave it, I wanna be able to say that I've had enough time and I can leave now ..

so if I die young ..

Thursday, 30 June 2011

maybe the grass is getting greener each day.
I'm glad it is.

Thursday, 23 June 2011

to G ..

you are one the few good people I hoped to meet in my lifetime,
thank you G.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

your Music On Hold made my day, thank you :)
they do actually lose it sometimes you know.

Monday, 20 June 2011


everything happens for a goddamn reason, every bloody thing!

Thursday, 16 June 2011


An eclipse is an astronomical event that occurs when an astronomical object is temporarily obscured, either by passing into the shadow of another body or by having another body pass between it and the viewer. An eclipse is a type of syzygy.[1]
The term eclipse is most often used to describe either a solar eclipse, when the Moon's shadow crosses the Earth's surface, or a lunar eclipse, when the Moon moves into the shadow of Earth.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

I permanently deleted my facebook a few months ago, I didn't have much friends on facebook because I didn't believe they were entitled to be called friends, I only had about 60 and I can say that only 2 of them were my friends, facebook made people remember me just on my birthday because it writes a message on the side saying "it's Safaa's birthday today send a gift ", when I was on facebook my wall would be filled with happy birthday wishes and all sort of nice fake messages from all my contacts, but now only one or two people call me in person and tell me what they really wanna say, these were the only two real people around me.
facebook is a fake place, a place where people can easily pretend and lie to others without even being suspected of committing a social crime. 

The best thing that has happened to me in the last year was Flickr, I feel safe around here, it's a real place where I know no one in person but still feel that I can tell them anything, without being judged or mocked or even lied to.

it's like an open diary where I get to share what I'm feeling through the day and have some real people, sharing my nice moments with me, comforting me for my sad ones and just being kind when needed, people whom I will respect for not being as fake as most people around me are.
I love Flickr for it's a place where I share my art with others, it is no place for phonies we all share out knowledge help each other with everything related to photography, art and even life.
I have to admit that Flickr has been a great deal of help to me during my depression, the friends I met there made me realize how powerful the love of life is, everyone was a part of the healing process for me, I would share my feeling with them and they would listen and help me think straight, they have pulled my out of the mud I was sinking in ..
this place saved my life, I was ashes when I first joined, now I'm all solid and walking tall.
I owe this place so much. 

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

in a blink of an eye!

“Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.”

"Lord! when you sell a man a book you don't sell just twelve ounces of paper and ink and glue - you sell him a whole new life. Love and friendship and humour and ships at sea by night - there's all heaven and earth in a book, a real book." ~Christopher Morley
now that I think about it, my first 19 years went by very quickly, while the last year has been the longest year of my life and it seems like it has taken it a century to pass.
it's true what they say, that good days fly by, and hard ones linger.
these were just my thought while taking and editing this photo.


Monday, 13 June 2011


Having only joy is great. Having only fear sucks. But having both … that’s life-defining.

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Dear Blog,
I'm extremely hungry, I haven't slept well in days, and I'm exhausted.
but I choose to leave everything right now and write this post, because this feeling that I'm having is is just incredibly beautiful and I want to write right now, before it fades.
I haven't felt like this in a long time, it feels like decades away the last time I was flying from happiness.
today was perfect, I can honestly admit that I am happy today, I love this feeling, I missed it so much, and I'm so tired and overwhelmed to jump or scream or do anything to express it, so I'm gonna write about it.
I've worked hard the past few days to get here, but I never thought it would make me feel like this, I've been happy all day, I've met new people, people I wanted to see for a along time, people were talking to me and praising me and telling me how much an impact I was on their lives, and how they were eager to meet me as well.
in the middle of this whole thing I felt like crying, my tears almost slipped, but no, let's just enjoy it for now, I've done a good job, people watched my work and liked it, I have to say I was petrified of the judgment, but apparently, I underestimated my self
I have not been proud of my self for a long time, I'm Happy today :)

P.S : for this person who does not know who he is, just a few words from you made my day extraordinary, thank you for granting me a huge part of today's happiness :)

Friday, 10 June 2011

“we’re all gonna get lumps and we’re all going to get bumps. None of us can predict the future, but we do know one thing about it: and that’s that it ain’t going to go according to plan. There are times in your life when you will get tossed in the well, with twists in your stomach and holes in your heart. And when that bad news washes over you and that pain sponges and soaks in, I just really hope you feel like you’ve always got two choices.
“One, you can swirl and twirl and you can gloom and doom forever; or two, you can grieve and then face the future with newly sober eyes. Having a great attitude is about choosing option number two, and choosing, no matter how difficult it is, no matter what pain hits you, choosing to move forward and move on and take baby steps into the future.”


Thursday, 9 June 2011

2 A.M and I'm still awake, and I don't think I can go to sleep, and surprisingly, I don't want to, I'm glad I'm awake, I've never done this before, I'm productive!!
I guess it's finally happening, the grass is getting greener :)

Saturday, 28 May 2011

No, you do not get to decide, not now, not this, I've been making my own choices since it all started because I was alone, I was the only one who understands what's going on with me, I've decided what's best for me and what can help me get through this, while you've been far away from me, you and everyone else, so now you don't get a say in this, you don't decide what's best for me, you don't know what's best for me, you're gonna take away the things I love, the things that help me just because you think it's best, I will not allow this!

Yet, I can't say it out loud, I can't tell him that, I can't explain to him, that he neither knows nor understands anything!
maybe he is trying to help, but his way is killing me and taking away my responsibility toward myself, he thinks I do know what's best for me and he is willing to offer help, but that's just wrong, he's breaking what left of me rather than mending it!

Thursday, 26 May 2011

I'm a mirror

post #113.

a prime number post, it must be positive, and I'm glad to say I haven't thought of anything but positive lately. I'm feeling that I'm finally getting a grip of my life, I nearly know what I want, not with much certainty but I'm on it.
I've been thinking why I started volunteering, it's not because I wanted to help myself get up in the morning, and not because I had to stay active so I won't feel alone like I always thought, I just came to realize why I needed this so much.
it's like when I help someone and make him happy, it makes me happy as well, when I give a promise to someone and keep my promise, it makes me feel safe. that maybe even after all the promises that have been made to me have been broken, I still have the ability to keep my own promises no one has taken that away from me.
I am still there inside of me, I thought I've lost myself and it's time to build a new me, but I'm still here, just finding myself again and changing a bit about my old me is all it takes for me to go back on track, surprisingly I don't feel astray no more.
I've been trying so hard to make some changes in my life, in my self and felt disappointed over and over when I couldn't, because I didn't know how it mush be done, now I know, it just hit me yesterday when I signed up to be a member of the Greenpeace organization, I felt the thrill running through my veins when I realized that now I have a chance to make a change, not in my own life, in others' .
this is what's gonna pull me permanently out of the mud, changing people's lives, helping others , making others happy, because I'm a mirror, whatever people feel when I'm a round them is exactly how I  will feel.
if I get to change anything about someone's life or anything in the world, then I know this is gonna be the change within me, I'll be a better person without even trying to label it.
I want to be proud of myself for giving others without asking anything in return, it gives me peace inside, THAT is the answer I've been searching for all along!

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Dear blog,

I'm sorry I've been gone for such a long time, but my life has been going so fast lately .. I haven't informed you yet that I've started volunteering on a local nursing home for elderly, it's a very inspiring experience so far, and I'm glad I'm doing it.
on another scale of my life, I'm reading again, you know reading has always been a pleasure for me, and now since I have plenty of free time I get to finish two or three books a month.
my days are almost the same, volunteering in the mornings, reading and relaxing in the after noons, sometimes movies  in the evening, and spending some quality time with my parents at night.
I don't feel that it's a routine, but it's serving me well so far, I need all of these things I just need to relax and not do anything that requires a mental pressure, at least until I'm perfectly sure that I can handle pressure.
I guess I'll be talking to you as soon as I can.


Friday, 22 April 2011

now I remember why I was happy, seeing the people I love smile and laugh and live happily has been my secret, but I've been blinded by so many things that I didn't see any of the people I loved and loved me back, I just looked at them without seeing anything.
now I can see how the sheer joy of their hearts makes me the happiest person in the world.

Friday, 25 March 2011

okay now what should I do, I keep lying to people because I'm afraid of their reaction, I'm afraid they won't understand the fear I'm experiencing. and I'm sure they won't and then I'm gonna disappoint them.
I've never disappointed anyone, or evr broke my promises .. but now the only promises that I'm breaking are the ones I gave to myself, and I'm really disappointed by myself, I don't feel like I have any hope to become the person I always wanted to be.
I'm afraid of myself and I need someone to protect me from me.

Sunday, 20 March 2011

come clean..

I was listening to Eminem's song "No Afraid" a few minutes ago, but this time I wasn't just hearing the melodies and the powerful tone of his voice, I was actually sinking through the words and deep in thoughts I closed my eyes to tried to fully understand if he really is describing my life at the moment!
I'm not perfectly certain if he is a brave man or maybe it's just MTV that makes people like him sound so courageous!
nevertheless, I am certain that I am not as brave as he might be, I'm scared .. don't know of what!
maybe taking a step ahead and moving forward is so terrifying for me that I wanna stay in the same square forever, or maybe it's just inner weakness that has overcome my whole being.
I can feel it, the fear, it's running through my veins and making me shiver whenever I think of taking a stand.
I desperately want every part of me to rebel and start assassinating every piece of anger and disappointment of my past, but my body is governed by a petrified heart and and a suppressed soul.
they say that these things fade with time, fear is just the mere anticipation of pain, and it will vanish once the person has enough confidence to not anticipate pain anymore.
and they also say that hope floats, I am truly scared but I do have hope. and it's probably the only thing I'm counting on at the moment.

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now .


Monday, 7 March 2011

we hate too fast and love too slow.

Friday, 4 March 2011

it's time

now it's time for a new Post, I'm on a break now from grad school, I'll be staying home till October.
this is my chance to fix my life now, to learn how to stop feeling fear, learn to love life and love again.
I wanna be happy again an I'm gonna try everything I can to be happy again.
until about an hour ago I was thinking that I want my old life back, but I've just spoke to a new friend of mine (I'll talk about him in another post) and he tells that I should not try to regain my old life, I should start building a new better one, I should not try to be happy like I was I should aspire to be more happy and more ambitious!
I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna build a new happy me, one that has no fears and does not think of the past because it will stop me from embracing the present.
I'm gonna soar like I've never have in my whole life, God help me do that!

Monday, 28 February 2011

I think I still love him.
Edit : no I don't. 

Thursday, 24 February 2011

oh my god

You're the only angel who allowed me to play in the sky and taught me how to fly and now that I'm able to fly you gone and left me alone and sad and don’t know what to do alone in world full of demons oh I need you now just like I was need then 
Oh where you went and left me missing you every night looking to the sky searching for you ...until I fall in sleep with my tears and memory of your smile

Friday, 18 February 2011

suck it in

it's not the first time, I've experienced the feeling previously, I've needed him for so long that it eventually broke my heart to find out he does need me as much. and I think it's happening again , I need her so desperately but she does not seem to have the same feeling.
I'm scared of being alone, it's the scariest feeling I've ever felt, even more scary than rolling upside down from a roller coaster, in a roller coaster, it's okay to scream, to curse to shout as loud as you can and beg for someone to take you down from up there, but in real life, it's much different, you can't just scream and let it out, though it's extremely overwhelming, you can't simply ask for someone to hold life for a moment so you can catch your breath, you just need to keep your composure, suck it in and walk tall as if nothing is wrong, as if nothing is shattering and tearing you apart inside..
I'm not gonna tell her I need her, not today, today I'm gonna suck it in, and let it tear me apart.. I can't be an option to someone whom I consider a priority!

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

I'm scared .. petrified.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

I'm back to work again, well not really back, but still it feels good .. :)
the group I have this time is so cute, they're a bit naughty but I liked them, and they are smart too .. 
I love teaching I'm so glad I'm back now .. students look up to me, ask for my advice and trust me to teach them and guide them to right way of studying.
I'm optimistic now and I hope I can help as many students as I can.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Post #100

now is that a coincidence? but I don't believe there's such thing.
there's an absolute reason for everything, everything that happens happens for a reason that leads us somewhere.
okay I'm being vague I know .. 
I'm gonna go back to the first hours of this lovely day to explain what I'm talking about.
I woke up at about 4:30 A.M took a bath , had some breakfast (something I didn't do for while now) got dressed, and went to my usual morning place to read my current book (and that would be Eat, Pray, Love). 
I promised myself that I'm gonna accomplish some important work today, I started studying right afterwards .. 
and I studied well too, and now I'm having lunch .. I'm trying some new food with strange colors (like pink) and weird components (like chicken cooked with pineapples), who the hell cooks chickens with pineapples!! actually the most bewildering question is : who the hell EATS  chickens with pineapples O.o!!
okay next , I received a phone call from a pleasant person who made me smile, a big smile, and met someone I didn't meet so a long time, and then I thought about documenting what happened today for it made me feel good, I grabbed my laptop and started writing and then suddenly a person is calling me from afar, another someone I haven't seen for a long time .. man what a day, is it a special date today or something , "the pleasant February 9th" maybe .. or is it just because I'm in a good mood !!
life in funny .. but maaaan, I'm glad it is!
keep up getting better lovely February 9th :D

Monday, 7 February 2011

post #99

I think I'm ready to do this after all, I am ready to forgive him.. I don't want to live this anger anymore,I don't want to feel that I hate someone. I wanna be the person I know, the gentle loving person who doesn't regret anything and who feels no resentment or anger toward another soul, I wanna experience peace again, peace inside of me that makes me wanna accomplish more in life, makes me wanna live the way I should be.

I kept convincing myself that he who did not ask for forgiveness does not deserve it, that I should only bear hate for him for the rest of time, I didn't want to be the weak person who gives up and forgives. but what I didn't realize is that forgiving others isn't weakness, it's absolute courage.

I've never experienced such relief in my life, I started thinking differently, I started considering forgiveness as a possible option to get me out of my sorrow, I felt like a huge burden was falling off my shoulders, that my heart was finally gonna feel the quietness he used to feel before when he mastered only love.

I do think it's gonna help me somehow, I can think clearly now, I wanted him to suffer the way he made me suffer, but now I know that what I've been through is hard enough for any human being to bear, and I do not wish for any person to go through the feelings I've been through.

I've been a despicable person for thinking this way, it only hurt me and this, I've never thought these selfish thoughts before, and I don't want to think or feel like that anymore.
and now I say it not only in my heart and soul, not just to say it, but because it's what I truly want right now and for all time, I say it out loud so all my senses can hear this and feel it : Bless you, I only wish you well, I will not hold a grudge for you anymore, I forgive you with all my heart.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

my therapist tells me I'm so extreme when I think about life and consequences of my actions, she says I see everything in black and white, but I can't really find the grey in life .. not anymore.
life seems like good or bad things, no middle line between, just like people it's either you're a good person whom i can trust, or a bad one that I should keep my distance from.
I'm not quite sure but maybe it's all because of him, he was so perfectly good and nice and respectful and he did not have any flaws, and suddenly he became the other one ho has no respect even for the closest person to him.
maybe I was wrong in the fist place when I thought he didn't have flaws , maybe I was too blind too see them.
it sounds silly when I say it, I know it's wrong, but I can't convince myself that, I'm working on it.

I just have so many "maybe"s in my post .. I'm never sure of what is true and what's not , I'm never certain oh how I feel or how I should feel.

but maybe (again, maybe) not being sure of anything what makes life so unpredictable and full of surprises.

Thursday, 27 January 2011

" for as long as I am alive, we will stay together.. I promise you that "
the line that destroyed my life.
just like what a line like "your wife is cheating on you" would do to a loyal husband, or "the closest person to you has tragically been in a fatal accident " would do to a normal lonely person . yes just like that when one snap of  finger my life was finished, evaporating, vanishing through darkness,doomed to loneliness, 

and it came back to my mind today after I've been trying for almost a year to delete it permanently from my head, I still don't know if it was a lie back then, or it just changed with time, things change yes I know, but people don't!

to see someone deeply in love, and deeply frightened to reveal it reminds me of myself. my other self that used to exist more than a year ago. 
and it's awkwardly devastating to me to remember that because it brings the memory of some other figure that I wish I could convince myself he's dead!

whoever is reading this might not understand a word I'm saying or even the connection between my lines, but I thought I would write the contradictions I'm having at the moment just to have something funny to read in the future, hopefully in the next months after I get better.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

I'd really wanna die right now, very desperately.

Friday, 21 January 2011

she just left, closed the door behind her and gone.
well, it isn't the first time, she doesn't even know how I feel about her leaving me alone, I never bothered to talk to her about it, it would've made me looks weak in her eyes, and I've never but strong in front of her.

I'm afraid of being alone, it's like loneliness is a terrifying monster for me, I see him everywhere I turn, and when I close my eyes to stop seeing his creepy face, I can sense him in the darkness of my imagination.

being alone has never affected me like this, but ever since he was gone and left me alone I can't overcome this feeling. I am certain that I'm not yearning for him to rescue me from my loneliness, I haven't given him a though, but I do blame him for every overwhelming feeling I experience for he taught me how to be sad, and I have never been overwhelmed until I knew him, or should I say stopped knowing him.

this feeling walks in my veins like sharp needles and feed over every bit of strength I still have, it consumes me and leaves me disqualified from being hopeful. it burns through my flesh like fireworks suddenly exploding whenever I get the thought that I am with no one in this nowhere.

it's exhausting to think about it, to helplessly feel it invading every bit of me. aren't I supposed to have a guardian angel, to be there for me when I need him, to make me feel the comfort of company, to pat on my shoulder when I look around and find myself alone and tell me that he is here all day every day, tell me that I shouldn't be afraid of anything.

I can still feel lonely though, I can feel it very deeply, which indicates one of two thing : either my angel does not exist or that I lack the sufficient faith to feel his touch and comfort. I  tend to agree with the latter .

Monday, 17 January 2011

I guess things never happen the way you want them to. you try to do something and imagine all the event in your mind and hope for an experience that will make your day brighter.
but again, they never happen the way we imagine, on one hand it's disappointing and sometimes sad and heartbreaking, but on the other hand what is life if everything we expect and imagine or see in our heads comes true exactly the way we saw it!
life should be a surprise, even if not a fully lovely one, there is nothing that happens that is totally perfect and devoid of flaws, this is life it's full of flaws and that is exactly what makes it an interesting place!
I'm actually glad that today didn't go as planned, it went totally off plan and toward a different direction .. but I likes that direction more than the one I drew in my head. though it was a bit confusing and disappointing at the beginning.but I guess when God closes a door , he always opens a window, and for certain his windows are waaay larger than our doors :).

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

I've been having these ups and downs for a week now, I hate being like this that's why I'm trying so hard not to be, I pull myself out of it as fast as I can and I keep it strong for as long as possible, It's my life we're talking about, my happiness, my freedom , I'm not gonna give up or succumb to these feeling of apathy. I will not let it get to me or break me, not again, never again!
my number one priority from now on will be ME, only me. I can't survive life without being selfish, I need to take advantage of everything around me to help myself not sink again. I'm ready for life, I'm getting over my past slowly, painfully but eventually successfully.
I will not cry over spilt milk, I will not mourn over previous wounds, I'm stronger than yesterday, stronger than my weakness. everyday I'll start again, with new beliefs even if I fail to hold on to them by the end of the day, there's always tomorrow to start all over again with new hopes, new life melodies.
giving up is no longer an option, it was an excuse to run away from my fears, a lame one actually, but it is no more.
and as I rise from the ashes of each day, I'll pray for God to help me through the next one , for only God can rescue his people from their misery and help them rise after they have fallen.

Friday, 7 January 2011

"you're crazy , one day you're gonna give me a heart attack" my mother .. lol :P

I'm sorry mom I can't help it :D , love ya ;)

Thursday, 6 January 2011

fate is unpredictable !

the best things that give you the greatest feelings come out of no where , come unexpected and never thought of .
just like people , you never know who's gonna end up being your best friend or your soul mate or your lover , you just happen to meet them one day during an everyday event or in the street or on the net .
places you never think that they'll lead to something extraordinary special .
we all think that we're gonna meet our other half in the most romantic place like under the Eiffel tower on in Venice , we never know that it might happen on a regular morning on our way to college , in a no-meaning gathering or in a bus station waiting for a ride.
sometimes it's not the big things that move people closer together , it's the small ones .. it could be a stupid word , a silly status on facebook , a geeky smile or even a forgotten hobby we have in common.
it's unpredictable .. fate is unpredictable , you cannot expect things , you can't have anticipations about happenings , about people . you can just have hope.
you can only hope that you meet the person you wanna end up with and that there is no one in the whole world that's more right for you, and in that case , it won't even matter how and where you met.
it's what life is about , having hopes about the unknown , feeling overwhelmed when hopes fade away and feeling incredibly happy when life comes up with the most amazing gifts of all time .

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

I just had a nice conversation with a very nice person .. he made my day :)