Thursday, 27 January 2011

" for as long as I am alive, we will stay together.. I promise you that "
the line that destroyed my life.
just like what a line like "your wife is cheating on you" would do to a loyal husband, or "the closest person to you has tragically been in a fatal accident " would do to a normal lonely person . yes just like that when one snap of  finger my life was finished, evaporating, vanishing through darkness,doomed to loneliness, 

and it came back to my mind today after I've been trying for almost a year to delete it permanently from my head, I still don't know if it was a lie back then, or it just changed with time, things change yes I know, but people don't!

to see someone deeply in love, and deeply frightened to reveal it reminds me of myself. my other self that used to exist more than a year ago. 
and it's awkwardly devastating to me to remember that because it brings the memory of some other figure that I wish I could convince myself he's dead!

whoever is reading this might not understand a word I'm saying or even the connection between my lines, but I thought I would write the contradictions I'm having at the moment just to have something funny to read in the future, hopefully in the next months after I get better.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

I'd really wanna die right now, very desperately.

Friday, 21 January 2011

she just left, closed the door behind her and gone.
well, it isn't the first time, she doesn't even know how I feel about her leaving me alone, I never bothered to talk to her about it, it would've made me looks weak in her eyes, and I've never but strong in front of her.

I'm afraid of being alone, it's like loneliness is a terrifying monster for me, I see him everywhere I turn, and when I close my eyes to stop seeing his creepy face, I can sense him in the darkness of my imagination.

being alone has never affected me like this, but ever since he was gone and left me alone I can't overcome this feeling. I am certain that I'm not yearning for him to rescue me from my loneliness, I haven't given him a though, but I do blame him for every overwhelming feeling I experience for he taught me how to be sad, and I have never been overwhelmed until I knew him, or should I say stopped knowing him.

this feeling walks in my veins like sharp needles and feed over every bit of strength I still have, it consumes me and leaves me disqualified from being hopeful. it burns through my flesh like fireworks suddenly exploding whenever I get the thought that I am with no one in this nowhere.

it's exhausting to think about it, to helplessly feel it invading every bit of me. aren't I supposed to have a guardian angel, to be there for me when I need him, to make me feel the comfort of company, to pat on my shoulder when I look around and find myself alone and tell me that he is here all day every day, tell me that I shouldn't be afraid of anything.

I can still feel lonely though, I can feel it very deeply, which indicates one of two thing : either my angel does not exist or that I lack the sufficient faith to feel his touch and comfort. I  tend to agree with the latter .

Monday, 17 January 2011

I guess things never happen the way you want them to. you try to do something and imagine all the event in your mind and hope for an experience that will make your day brighter.
but again, they never happen the way we imagine, on one hand it's disappointing and sometimes sad and heartbreaking, but on the other hand what is life if everything we expect and imagine or see in our heads comes true exactly the way we saw it!
life should be a surprise, even if not a fully lovely one, there is nothing that happens that is totally perfect and devoid of flaws, this is life it's full of flaws and that is exactly what makes it an interesting place!
I'm actually glad that today didn't go as planned, it went totally off plan and toward a different direction .. but I likes that direction more than the one I drew in my head. though it was a bit confusing and disappointing at the beginning.but I guess when God closes a door , he always opens a window, and for certain his windows are waaay larger than our doors :).

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

I've been having these ups and downs for a week now, I hate being like this that's why I'm trying so hard not to be, I pull myself out of it as fast as I can and I keep it strong for as long as possible, It's my life we're talking about, my happiness, my freedom , I'm not gonna give up or succumb to these feeling of apathy. I will not let it get to me or break me, not again, never again!
my number one priority from now on will be ME, only me. I can't survive life without being selfish, I need to take advantage of everything around me to help myself not sink again. I'm ready for life, I'm getting over my past slowly, painfully but eventually successfully.
I will not cry over spilt milk, I will not mourn over previous wounds, I'm stronger than yesterday, stronger than my weakness. everyday I'll start again, with new beliefs even if I fail to hold on to them by the end of the day, there's always tomorrow to start all over again with new hopes, new life melodies.
giving up is no longer an option, it was an excuse to run away from my fears, a lame one actually, but it is no more.
and as I rise from the ashes of each day, I'll pray for God to help me through the next one , for only God can rescue his people from their misery and help them rise after they have fallen.

Friday, 7 January 2011

"you're crazy , one day you're gonna give me a heart attack" my mother .. lol :P

I'm sorry mom I can't help it :D , love ya ;)

Thursday, 6 January 2011

fate is unpredictable !

the best things that give you the greatest feelings come out of no where , come unexpected and never thought of .
just like people , you never know who's gonna end up being your best friend or your soul mate or your lover , you just happen to meet them one day during an everyday event or in the street or on the net .
places you never think that they'll lead to something extraordinary special .
we all think that we're gonna meet our other half in the most romantic place like under the Eiffel tower on in Venice , we never know that it might happen on a regular morning on our way to college , in a no-meaning gathering or in a bus station waiting for a ride.
sometimes it's not the big things that move people closer together , it's the small ones .. it could be a stupid word , a silly status on facebook , a geeky smile or even a forgotten hobby we have in common.
it's unpredictable .. fate is unpredictable , you cannot expect things , you can't have anticipations about happenings , about people . you can just have hope.
you can only hope that you meet the person you wanna end up with and that there is no one in the whole world that's more right for you, and in that case , it won't even matter how and where you met.
it's what life is about , having hopes about the unknown , feeling overwhelmed when hopes fade away and feeling incredibly happy when life comes up with the most amazing gifts of all time .

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

I just had a nice conversation with a very nice person .. he made my day :)