Monday, 28 February 2011

I think I still love him.
Edit : no I don't. 

Thursday, 24 February 2011

oh my god

You're the only angel who allowed me to play in the sky and taught me how to fly and now that I'm able to fly you gone and left me alone and sad and don’t know what to do alone in world full of demons oh I need you now just like I was need then 
Oh where you went and left me missing you every night looking to the sky searching for you ...until I fall in sleep with my tears and memory of your smile

Friday, 18 February 2011

suck it in

it's not the first time, I've experienced the feeling previously, I've needed him for so long that it eventually broke my heart to find out he does need me as much. and I think it's happening again , I need her so desperately but she does not seem to have the same feeling.
I'm scared of being alone, it's the scariest feeling I've ever felt, even more scary than rolling upside down from a roller coaster, in a roller coaster, it's okay to scream, to curse to shout as loud as you can and beg for someone to take you down from up there, but in real life, it's much different, you can't just scream and let it out, though it's extremely overwhelming, you can't simply ask for someone to hold life for a moment so you can catch your breath, you just need to keep your composure, suck it in and walk tall as if nothing is wrong, as if nothing is shattering and tearing you apart inside..
I'm not gonna tell her I need her, not today, today I'm gonna suck it in, and let it tear me apart.. I can't be an option to someone whom I consider a priority!

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

I'm scared .. petrified.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

I'm back to work again, well not really back, but still it feels good .. :)
the group I have this time is so cute, they're a bit naughty but I liked them, and they are smart too .. 
I love teaching I'm so glad I'm back now .. students look up to me, ask for my advice and trust me to teach them and guide them to right way of studying.
I'm optimistic now and I hope I can help as many students as I can.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Post #100

now is that a coincidence? but I don't believe there's such thing.
there's an absolute reason for everything, everything that happens happens for a reason that leads us somewhere.
okay I'm being vague I know .. 
I'm gonna go back to the first hours of this lovely day to explain what I'm talking about.
I woke up at about 4:30 A.M took a bath , had some breakfast (something I didn't do for while now) got dressed, and went to my usual morning place to read my current book (and that would be Eat, Pray, Love). 
I promised myself that I'm gonna accomplish some important work today, I started studying right afterwards .. 
and I studied well too, and now I'm having lunch .. I'm trying some new food with strange colors (like pink) and weird components (like chicken cooked with pineapples), who the hell cooks chickens with pineapples!! actually the most bewildering question is : who the hell EATS  chickens with pineapples O.o!!
okay next , I received a phone call from a pleasant person who made me smile, a big smile, and met someone I didn't meet so a long time, and then I thought about documenting what happened today for it made me feel good, I grabbed my laptop and started writing and then suddenly a person is calling me from afar, another someone I haven't seen for a long time .. man what a day, is it a special date today or something , "the pleasant February 9th" maybe .. or is it just because I'm in a good mood !!
life in funny .. but maaaan, I'm glad it is!
keep up getting better lovely February 9th :D

Monday, 7 February 2011

post #99

I think I'm ready to do this after all, I am ready to forgive him.. I don't want to live this anger anymore,I don't want to feel that I hate someone. I wanna be the person I know, the gentle loving person who doesn't regret anything and who feels no resentment or anger toward another soul, I wanna experience peace again, peace inside of me that makes me wanna accomplish more in life, makes me wanna live the way I should be.

I kept convincing myself that he who did not ask for forgiveness does not deserve it, that I should only bear hate for him for the rest of time, I didn't want to be the weak person who gives up and forgives. but what I didn't realize is that forgiving others isn't weakness, it's absolute courage.

I've never experienced such relief in my life, I started thinking differently, I started considering forgiveness as a possible option to get me out of my sorrow, I felt like a huge burden was falling off my shoulders, that my heart was finally gonna feel the quietness he used to feel before when he mastered only love.

I do think it's gonna help me somehow, I can think clearly now, I wanted him to suffer the way he made me suffer, but now I know that what I've been through is hard enough for any human being to bear, and I do not wish for any person to go through the feelings I've been through.

I've been a despicable person for thinking this way, it only hurt me and this, I've never thought these selfish thoughts before, and I don't want to think or feel like that anymore.
and now I say it not only in my heart and soul, not just to say it, but because it's what I truly want right now and for all time, I say it out loud so all my senses can hear this and feel it : Bless you, I only wish you well, I will not hold a grudge for you anymore, I forgive you with all my heart.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

my therapist tells me I'm so extreme when I think about life and consequences of my actions, she says I see everything in black and white, but I can't really find the grey in life .. not anymore.
life seems like good or bad things, no middle line between, just like people it's either you're a good person whom i can trust, or a bad one that I should keep my distance from.
I'm not quite sure but maybe it's all because of him, he was so perfectly good and nice and respectful and he did not have any flaws, and suddenly he became the other one ho has no respect even for the closest person to him.
maybe I was wrong in the fist place when I thought he didn't have flaws , maybe I was too blind too see them.
it sounds silly when I say it, I know it's wrong, but I can't convince myself that, I'm working on it.

I just have so many "maybe"s in my post .. I'm never sure of what is true and what's not , I'm never certain oh how I feel or how I should feel.

but maybe (again, maybe) not being sure of anything what makes life so unpredictable and full of surprises.