Friday, 25 March 2011

okay now what should I do, I keep lying to people because I'm afraid of their reaction, I'm afraid they won't understand the fear I'm experiencing. and I'm sure they won't and then I'm gonna disappoint them.
I've never disappointed anyone, or evr broke my promises .. but now the only promises that I'm breaking are the ones I gave to myself, and I'm really disappointed by myself, I don't feel like I have any hope to become the person I always wanted to be.
I'm afraid of myself and I need someone to protect me from me.

Sunday, 20 March 2011

come clean..

I was listening to Eminem's song "No Afraid" a few minutes ago, but this time I wasn't just hearing the melodies and the powerful tone of his voice, I was actually sinking through the words and deep in thoughts I closed my eyes to tried to fully understand if he really is describing my life at the moment!
I'm not perfectly certain if he is a brave man or maybe it's just MTV that makes people like him sound so courageous!
nevertheless, I am certain that I am not as brave as he might be, I'm scared .. don't know of what!
maybe taking a step ahead and moving forward is so terrifying for me that I wanna stay in the same square forever, or maybe it's just inner weakness that has overcome my whole being.
I can feel it, the fear, it's running through my veins and making me shiver whenever I think of taking a stand.
I desperately want every part of me to rebel and start assassinating every piece of anger and disappointment of my past, but my body is governed by a petrified heart and and a suppressed soul.
they say that these things fade with time, fear is just the mere anticipation of pain, and it will vanish once the person has enough confidence to not anticipate pain anymore.
and they also say that hope floats, I am truly scared but I do have hope. and it's probably the only thing I'm counting on at the moment.

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now .

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Monday, 7 March 2011

we hate too fast and love too slow.

Friday, 4 March 2011

it's time

now it's time for a new Post, I'm on a break now from grad school, I'll be staying home till October.
this is my chance to fix my life now, to learn how to stop feeling fear, learn to love life and love again.
I wanna be happy again an I'm gonna try everything I can to be happy again.
until about an hour ago I was thinking that I want my old life back, but I've just spoke to a new friend of mine (I'll talk about him in another post) and he tells that I should not try to regain my old life, I should start building a new better one, I should not try to be happy like I was I should aspire to be more happy and more ambitious!
I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna build a new happy me, one that has no fears and does not think of the past because it will stop me from embracing the present.
I'm gonna soar like I've never have in my whole life, God help me do that!