Saturday, 28 May 2011

No, you do not get to decide, not now, not this, I've been making my own choices since it all started because I was alone, I was the only one who understands what's going on with me, I've decided what's best for me and what can help me get through this, while you've been far away from me, you and everyone else, so now you don't get a say in this, you don't decide what's best for me, you don't know what's best for me, you're gonna take away the things I love, the things that help me just because you think it's best, I will not allow this!

Yet, I can't say it out loud, I can't tell him that, I can't explain to him, that he neither knows nor understands anything!
maybe he is trying to help, but his way is killing me and taking away my responsibility toward myself, he thinks I do know what's best for me and he is willing to offer help, but that's just wrong, he's breaking what left of me rather than mending it!

Thursday, 26 May 2011

I'm a mirror

post #113.

a prime number post, it must be positive, and I'm glad to say I haven't thought of anything but positive lately. I'm feeling that I'm finally getting a grip of my life, I nearly know what I want, not with much certainty but I'm on it.
I've been thinking why I started volunteering, it's not because I wanted to help myself get up in the morning, and not because I had to stay active so I won't feel alone like I always thought, I just came to realize why I needed this so much.
it's like when I help someone and make him happy, it makes me happy as well, when I give a promise to someone and keep my promise, it makes me feel safe. that maybe even after all the promises that have been made to me have been broken, I still have the ability to keep my own promises no one has taken that away from me.
I am still there inside of me, I thought I've lost myself and it's time to build a new me, but I'm still here, just finding myself again and changing a bit about my old me is all it takes for me to go back on track, surprisingly I don't feel astray no more.
I've been trying so hard to make some changes in my life, in my self and felt disappointed over and over when I couldn't, because I didn't know how it mush be done, now I know, it just hit me yesterday when I signed up to be a member of the Greenpeace organization, I felt the thrill running through my veins when I realized that now I have a chance to make a change, not in my own life, in others' .
this is what's gonna pull me permanently out of the mud, changing people's lives, helping others , making others happy, because I'm a mirror, whatever people feel when I'm a round them is exactly how I  will feel.
if I get to change anything about someone's life or anything in the world, then I know this is gonna be the change within me, I'll be a better person without even trying to label it.
I want to be proud of myself for giving others without asking anything in return, it gives me peace inside, THAT is the answer I've been searching for all along!

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Dear blog,

I'm sorry I've been gone for such a long time, but my life has been going so fast lately .. I haven't informed you yet that I've started volunteering on a local nursing home for elderly, it's a very inspiring experience so far, and I'm glad I'm doing it.
on another scale of my life, I'm reading again, you know reading has always been a pleasure for me, and now since I have plenty of free time I get to finish two or three books a month.
my days are almost the same, volunteering in the mornings, reading and relaxing in the after noons, sometimes movies  in the evening, and spending some quality time with my parents at night.
I don't feel that it's a routine, but it's serving me well so far, I need all of these things I just need to relax and not do anything that requires a mental pressure, at least until I'm perfectly sure that I can handle pressure.
I guess I'll be talking to you as soon as I can.