Monday, 24 September 2012

I'm working my way steadily back and I'm feeling good. 

the way these guys smile, the way the ladies thank me each day and ask me to come back again tomorrow, it's absolutely worth the effort. it's what makes life worth living.

Friday, 7 September 2012

We all came back home, my sister didn't!

Friday, 31 August 2012

My father is superman.

Sunday, 19 August 2012

ele malo 7ad' la yet3ab wla yeshka!

Thursday, 19 July 2012

I'm tired, I don't wanna struggle anymore, I wanna give in and let the tide take me to wherever it wants.
I wish I could just hit rock bottom, and stay there for a little while, breath and think about the past three years, how slow they went, how little I got from them. it's really like I'm living each day just to get it over with, to move on to tomorrow and the day after, just to feel that I may be going somewhere, but I'm going nowhere, I know that now, I'm right where I was three years ago, and I will stay in the same place if I don't make a drastic change.

the problem is I don't live in this world alone, I may end up hurting the closest people to me if I make this huge change. my family's been through hell because of what I am, what I've become, and I don't want to cause more pain.

but should I just stay put and do nothing, go nowhere? is hurting myself better than hurting everyone else?
but then again, I know that by hurting myself, my family suffers more.
I don't know what to do, it's the first time in my life that I feel absolutely lost, and no road seems to lead me to Rome.

Friday, 13 July 2012

This is why I am quiet and fail to reply when strangers try not to be strangers and want to become acquaintances.

At night I'm loneliest but there isn't a single person who I want to be with.

Monday, 9 July 2012

I want to change, change myself, my habits, my thoughts, everything about me.
My life had gone to bits and I was so unrecognizable to myself that I probably couldn't have picked me out from a police line-up
I don't know where to start and how to do it, I just know that I don't like the place I'm in right now, and I'll do anything for a way out.



I'm afraid to pray, because I'm so ashamed of asking God for help.
I've lost my faith in everything, and I really want it back, my life is empty and meaningless without faith.
I lost my faith slowly, let it slip away as grains of sand in an hourglass, unnoticed and unrealized until it receded to a minimum. and now I can have it back, I don't wanna live like this anymore.
I do believe it is only when we have faced the most drastic suffering in our lives that we can recognize and gain a true revelation of the greatness of our God. It is easy to fall to our knees in gratitude when His answers are as swift to come as we want them, but on the other side of the coin, doubt insidiously sets in when we don’t receive our answers immediately. I've moved to the dark side, and I need someone to grab me face first from the dirt, if I sink any deeper, I may never be able to come back.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

When all that you touch tumbles down?

What have I done? I wish I could run.
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me
To get it right?

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
Rachel, Brittany, Tina:
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
Rachel, Brittany, Tina:
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this


What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me
To get it right?

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
Rachel:
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
Rachel with Glee Girls:
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight?

Sunday, 1 July 2012

I'm a terrible person, a terrible terrible person.

Wednesday, 13 June 2012


Someone once told me that the world is uglier than I could ever imagine, I was innocent then. A child with little pretense and I understand now. I see the world's scars and the gaps in the teeth of strangers with amputated arms. And I see the fear in the eyes of mothers and I listen to the words of men who have lost their wives and women who have lost their husbands. And I hear about the way it all fades and no one sees it coming.I know this, because I am listening.I am always listening and taking too much in and falling apart, through the gaps of everyone's fingertips. And some days feel more like dying than living. And we just aren't meant to survive this. We are meant to fade.


And some days when I do, I do it tragically. Carelessly.


By Janey Lu

Sunday, 10 June 2012

I'm exhausted

Sunday, 27 May 2012

I am the child listed as “number 50” in the lists you have been sharing since last night. I don’t have much to say to you…

I have only one thing I’d like to say, but I forget what it is…

Everything happened really fast. After the shelling that had started in the morning began to die down, they broke down the door. They came inside and took us with them, they separated us from my mother. They took me and my three siblings. My baby sister was in my mother’s lap, she was sick two days ago. They grabbed her. My mother screamed. Later I heard one of the thugs curse at my mother and then hit her. The last thing I heard from her was her screaming: “My babies!”

My father was not with her…we did not know where he was. They took him a week ago from the checkpoint. We haven’t seen him since, and we haven’t heard any news about him.

I don’t have much to say to you about what happened that night…only one thing.

They threw us into a large car filled with children around my age. They were crying. Some of them were infants. Their screaming was really loud. The driver was cursing at them.

The car stopped near a house at the edge of the village, near the field that I used to play in with my friends. The thug opened the door and ordered us to get out as he was cursing us and beating us. Every time someone stepped out he beat them. He was saying many curse words. I knew some of them. My mother used to warn me not to say them. Others I never heard before. But I understood they were bad words.

I don’t have much to say to you…

The thug beat me o my back as I stepped out of the car. I was carrying my baby sister. I fell on the ground and my sister fell from my hands. The thug laughed and called me a stupid Sunni.

When we entered the house I saw that there were many children. Most of them had their hands tied. Some of them were crying, but not many. Only the infants were crying. There were other thugs there. One of them said that they didn’t have any more ropes. Another one replied: “We’ll just kill a few of them, we can use their intestines as ropes.” They all laughed. My sister began to cry.

They left us for a while. My sister asked me what they would do with us. I knew what they would do, but I told her that I didn’t. I think she also knew. She cried and said she wanted our mother. My brother also cried and said he wanted our father. I knew we would meet him soon.

I don’t have much to say to you.

Everything happened really fast. The room was crowded and many of the children were crying and asking for their mothers. The new thug walked into the room. He smelled even worse than the others. He cursed a lot. He cursed us, and cursed God and Islam. I knew him. His son went to school with me. We used to play together in that field next door.

The thug carried a knife in his belt. He took it out of its sheath. The sounds of crying became louder. And the sound of thugs laughing also became louder. He said he hadn’t smelled blood in 3 days and that he missed it. Another thug replied to him while laughing: “We killed the three guys that we grabbed from the checkpoint yesterday…did you forget?” He said: “yes…it feels like it was forever ago.” He cursed again.

He took a step forward with the knife in his hand. Everyone moved back and the screams got louder. “Who should we start with my pretties?” he said as he laughed. “Who will be the first dead corpse?” I expected everyone to scream…I expected the crying to increase. However the exact opposite happened. Everything was silent. It was as if everyone wanted it all to just be over.

The thug with the horrible smell walked up to a little girl with blonde hair. She was shaking. He grabbed her from her hair. He said to her: “I wanted to **** but slaughtering you is also fun.” She was shaking. She was begging him saying “Please sir”..”Please don’t…” He placed the knife at her throat and quickly cut it. Before she could even finish her sentence he was holding her head in his hands. He started pointing it at us all. He was holding it from her hair as the blood dripped from it. Her body was on the ground and blood was spraying at us all.

The sounds of crying became louder. There was a young girl crying and saying the Shahada (Declaration of Faith, La Ilaha Illa Allah, There is no God but Allah) in a loud voice. He grabbed her and said: “This is for the Shahada,” and he stabbed her in the throat and cut out her larynx and threw it at us. But the girl reminded us of the Shahadah, so we all started saying it. We remembered what we used to hear, that whoever says the Shahadah before dying will be in heaven. So we started saying it. He got irritated and began slaughtering faster. The sound of crying began to mix with the sound of what I realized was their bodies shaking as they were being slaughtered. Those sounds also mixed with the sounds of Shahada and the sounds of laughter and cursing coming from the thugs as they watched.

I saw my cousin Samer as the thug took a hold of him. I hadn’t noticed him before. Samer was quiet, unlike his usual self. But as he was being slaughtered, she shook violently and ran. His head was slightly hanging to the side of his neck, but he ran towards me. As if he wanted me to save him. The blood sprayed from him like a fountain. I found the blood covering my face. I moved back until the wall was directly behind me. I think I was in the corner. I couldn’t see because the blood was covering my eyes. But I didn’t wipe it off. I preferred not to see.

I don’t have much to say to you, but I remembered you all at that moment. I remembered what my cousin Abdulrahman said to me, my cousin that joined the Free Syrian Army a month ago. Abdulrahman was a student in the University, he has a computer in his room and he used to let me play games on it. One day he showed me a page that he said you all visited. He told me that when one of us is martyred that you write about them on that page. I forgot what it was called. I asked him if you all were sick or handicapped or something…he laughed and said: “something like that.”

I remembered you…

I don’t have much to say to you…maybe only one word. It was on the tip of my tongue, but I forgot it.

Later I couldn’t see anything. I was in the corner and I could only hear. I was sure that my sister had been slaughtered…I heard her calling for my mother. I remembered my mother. I heard a thug say he needed a new knife because the one he had turned dull. The other thug said: “Even better! They’ll feel more pain that way.”

I don’t remember much after that…The same sounds began to repeat themselves. I started to differentiate the sound of blood as it flowed. Whenever the sounds of crying decreased I realized that my turn was coming.

Suddenly I realized that he came closer to me, his wretched smell was easily distinguishable even with the smell of blood. He grabbed my neck…

I remember now what I wanted to say to you at that moment.
I wanted to say that I spit on you all. All of you. Every single one of you. You that are reading these words. It has been over a year since the slaughtering started and you have all failed to do anything to stop the slaughter. I spit on you and on the one that wrote these words as well. Maybe he didn’t find anything better to do…or anything better to write…

I spit on you all and I don’t apologize from anyone…

The disgusting thug placed his knife on my neck…
I said the Shahada…
And I spit on you all again…

Dr. Ahmed Khayri Al'Umari.

May you all rest in peace.

Friday, 11 May 2012


"the only people you need in your life are the ones hwo need you in theirs"
then, what do you do when the most important person in your life no longer needs you?

Friday, 20 April 2012

being realistic will never get you anywhere.
being imaginative will never get you anywhere either.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

can I?

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older and I'm getting older too.

Thursday, 29 March 2012

I'm just sad

Saturday, 24 March 2012

Friday, 23 March 2012

quick status update:
overwhlemed ..
eating a green apple (have no idea why I'm doing that)
and getting all teary while watching Friends episode!! who the hell does that!

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

and if you can't tell that I'm scared as hell ..

Tuesday, 6 March 2012


People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.  They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  They may seem like a godsend, and they are.  They are there for the reason you need them to be.  Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.  Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away.  Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.  What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;  their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. 

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.  They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.  They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  Believe it!  It is real!  But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);  and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.  It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
You, I still can't decide why you happened to me.
you certainly are not a lifetime relationship, but you're not a godsend either!
until I figure out what you are, Until I decide why you showed up that Summer's afternoon, I'll choose that you are unforgivable.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

I'm tired of having to lie to people, to cover up that I have depression.
2:10 PM I'm tired of having to explain my situation to people who have no idea what it is like to have depression or who don't even sympathize with it at all.
  I'm tired of having to make up excuses for the reason why I haven't done things I should be doing or why my life isn't on track!!
  I'm so tired of it all!

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

“If you want to change your life you’re going to have to go out there and do it because there are no fairy god mothers in this world.”

Sunday, 5 February 2012

somebody that I used to know

To me, this song is about clinging onto an illusion of the perfect person, the 'person that you used to know'. After discovering that you had in fact put them on a pedastal, and that they never were that perfect person, you are still unable to let them go because your illusions clash with reality and it is a never ending struggle between accepting who they are- and who you thought they were.


"You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know..."


It is about that tiny little fibre in your body that cannot erase the memory of them, and that tiny little fibre is what causes most of the conflict: your voice speaks and says that you would never be hung up over this person, and yet, the entire song is dedicated to the memory of that person and the damage they have caused you. so you ARE, after all, hung up on them...and that is the contrast between your voice (voice of reason) and your heart (with which your true feelings lie)....I think that might be why there is such a huge play on body parts in the video clip...and how each body part is colored differently...it represents all the different thoughts in your mind that are contradicting each other.

Saturday, 4 February 2012

I see the change, I see the message.
and no message could have been any clearer.
so I'm starting with the man in the mirror.

Saturday, 28 January 2012

I can honestly say , you've been on my mind since I woke up today :)

Monday, 16 January 2012

" Are we talking about the anxious butterflies or the kind that seemingly stop your heart upon his entrance into the room? " :)

Sunday, 15 January 2012

if you find someone who's gone looking for himself before he can find anything, he won't be able to come home!

Thursday, 12 January 2012

it's pouring and I have no one to stand under the umbrella with me!

Saturday, 7 January 2012

I haven't been here in a long time ..
I guess it's because of what my therapist thinks.. she believes I no longer allow myself to be sad or frustrated!
she thinks I struggle to stay happy and composed all the time while I do need to feel down for a little while.
I been thinking about that since we talked about this, it's because I'm terrified at what might happen if I do allow myself to get a bit sad!

now, I want to be sad, actually I want to scream and cry and break something ..
I wanna be angry, be nostalgic and I wanna , I wanna feel a lot of things I didn't feel for a while ..
I didn't want to feel any of these feeling for I was so scared these might drag me to places I won't like, and that freaks me out , to go back there!

I miss someone, I'm mad at him as well ..
I'll never forgive him, but I want be with him and tell him I missed him , no I don't miss him, I'm just nostalgic!!
I don't know how I feel , that hasn't happened in a very long time!
guess I can act a bit confused every now and then .. it's healthy. but I MUST go back on track after a little while .. Please don't hang in there, come back to me !