Thursday, 19 July 2012

I'm tired, I don't wanna struggle anymore, I wanna give in and let the tide take me to wherever it wants.
I wish I could just hit rock bottom, and stay there for a little while, breath and think about the past three years, how slow they went, how little I got from them. it's really like I'm living each day just to get it over with, to move on to tomorrow and the day after, just to feel that I may be going somewhere, but I'm going nowhere, I know that now, I'm right where I was three years ago, and I will stay in the same place if I don't make a drastic change.

the problem is I don't live in this world alone, I may end up hurting the closest people to me if I make this huge change. my family's been through hell because of what I am, what I've become, and I don't want to cause more pain.

but should I just stay put and do nothing, go nowhere? is hurting myself better than hurting everyone else?
but then again, I know that by hurting myself, my family suffers more.
I don't know what to do, it's the first time in my life that I feel absolutely lost, and no road seems to lead me to Rome.

Friday, 13 July 2012

This is why I am quiet and fail to reply when strangers try not to be strangers and want to become acquaintances.

At night I'm loneliest but there isn't a single person who I want to be with.

Monday, 9 July 2012

I want to change, change myself, my habits, my thoughts, everything about me.
My life had gone to bits and I was so unrecognizable to myself that I probably couldn't have picked me out from a police line-up
I don't know where to start and how to do it, I just know that I don't like the place I'm in right now, and I'll do anything for a way out.



I'm afraid to pray, because I'm so ashamed of asking God for help.
I've lost my faith in everything, and I really want it back, my life is empty and meaningless without faith.
I lost my faith slowly, let it slip away as grains of sand in an hourglass, unnoticed and unrealized until it receded to a minimum. and now I can have it back, I don't wanna live like this anymore.
I do believe it is only when we have faced the most drastic suffering in our lives that we can recognize and gain a true revelation of the greatness of our God. It is easy to fall to our knees in gratitude when His answers are as swift to come as we want them, but on the other side of the coin, doubt insidiously sets in when we don’t receive our answers immediately. I've moved to the dark side, and I need someone to grab me face first from the dirt, if I sink any deeper, I may never be able to come back.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

When all that you touch tumbles down?

What have I done? I wish I could run.
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me
To get it right?

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
Rachel, Brittany, Tina:
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
Rachel, Brittany, Tina:
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this


What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me
To get it right?

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
Rachel:
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
Rachel with Glee Girls:
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight?

Sunday, 1 July 2012

I'm a terrible person, a terrible terrible person.